Author Topic: What the H...!  (Read 728 times)

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What the H...!
« on: March 30, 2018, 11:46:56 AM »
Wow!  All my life I have been worrying about this. I no longer worry, because the Pope said it doesn't exist!
The fact that the GOVERNMENT would even consider removing the natural right to bear arms is the very reason why the 2nd Amendment was written.


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Re: What the H...!
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2018, 01:20:41 PM »
Well! If the Pope said it, it must be true!

Dang it!

I was just sure that a few humanoids I've encountered throughout life were surely going there!


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Re: What the H...!
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2018, 01:50:44 PM »
There's no Hell?
That's terrible!
Now I no longer have a place in which to spend eternity with all of my friends.

Like Don Juan*, I certainly don't want to go to Heaven. It's a boring, stultifying place where there is nothing to do but stand around adoring God.

*As in the "Don Juan in Hell" episode of G.B. Shaw's play Man and Superman.
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Re: What the H...!
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2018, 03:01:32 PM »
Oh, that's nice. He will be even more popular now, because that's what people want to hear these days. I wouldn't bet my entire paycheck on that one. :P


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Re: What the H...!
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2018, 03:53:25 PM »
Well I do not want all of you worry.
Enjoy . . . . .

Commentary On The Nature of Death and the Afterlife:

    I died.  Then I met God.  He informed me that “Hell is a myth.  Everyone sins, and it’s OK.”
    Turns out that, instead of going to what mortals think of as Heaven or Hell, the dead are self-sorted into one of six “houses of heaven”, based on the sins they chose.  It was my time to go with God and make that choice for myself.

    We arrived first at the “House of Lust”.  In this case, “House” is a misleading term.  It was more of a camp spread over many, many acres of lush forest.  There was a white sandy beach (nude, of course!) filled with copulating couples.  There were cabins all along the path, out from which regularly floated moans of orgasmic pleasure.  Men with six-pack abs and women with perky breasts strolled by without even noticing me and God; they only had eyes for each other, tickling and pinching each other with flirtatious giggles.
    “What do you think?” God asked as we passed a 19-way taking place in a pool of champagne while little cherubs flitted overhead armed with mops and cleaning supplies, thankfully!  “Lust is our most popular sin,” He continued.
    I eyed the supermodel-like figures of a young couple passing by, and I could easily see why lust was so popular.
    “You can look however you want.  You can even be whichever gender you want!  No fetish is too taboo here, and no desire can be denied here,”  God explained.
    It was VERY tempting, but I wasn’t ready to make a permanent decision before getting all the facts.  “Please, may I see the others before deciding?” I said.

    So, we carried on to Greed, where we passed rows and rows of mansions, each more opulent than the last.  Some of them were so large that they would’ve had enough bedrooms to accommodate my entire home town!  And there were so many different styles!  One second we were at a beautiful French vineyard in front of a gorgeous chateau with the Alps in the background.  The next second we were at a warm tropical beach with a stairway leading to a modern mansion atop breathtaking cliffs.  After that, we were at a ski chalet in Colorado with a roaring fire in a hearth large enough to fit an ox!  Each had various Italian sports cars and Rolls Royces parked in front, with an occasional smattering of yachts, helicopters, and so forth.
    “Any material desire you ever wanted,” God explained.  “Your own world, where you can have everything!  You want the Hope Diamond?  You can fly to Washington DC in your own solid gold helicopter and buy it!  Why, you can buy the whole Smithsonian!”
    Also tempting, but I decided to keep looking.

    Gluttony was next up.  There we saw tables and tables of the finest foods!  There were beautiful steaks cooked medium-rare, butter-poached lobster tail, fresh oysters on the half-shell, exotic wines in dusty bottles that had been hiding in the cellars of the world’s finest restaurants.  Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand and lounged on couches and chairs near the tables, eating endlessly.  As soon as the inhabitants took a bite, the food just instantly came back.  My mouth watered just watching them!
    “In every other house, the food is practically just sawdust when compared to the “House of Gluttony,” God explained.  “You haven’t truly experienced Heaven until you’ve been to Gluttony!”

    I shook my head, and we continued forward to Sloth.
    Sloth was as you’d expect.  There was an endless sea of the softest mattresses stacked with cushions and pillows that made the story of the princess and the pea seem minimalist.  Little angles visited each resident, giving them massages that made them melt into their blankets.

    Wrath was, well, a lot like what I’d expect Hell to be like.  Fire, brimstone, whips, torture. . . you know, the works!  Except that here, you weren’t the one being tortured.  Every enemy you’d ever made in your life was now under your thumb!
    “Lots of people choose their fathers,” God explained.  “There’s lots of grudges and anger against parents in general, you know.  But you’re not limited to that.  Someone beat you out on a big promotion back in your mortal life?  Take your pound of flesh here, now!”

    Then we arrived at Envy.  It looked, well, a whole lot like home.
    “Go on in,” God said, gesturing toward the door.
    I turned the knob and walked in, and found Emily waiting inside.  She ran forward, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted a kiss upon my lips!  “Welcome home, honey!” she exclaimed.
    I looked toward God.  “Oh, don’t be coy!” He said.  “You have no secrets from me!  I know you were in love with your best friend’s wife, Emily!”
    Emily didn’t seem to hear him at all, and she went back into the hall.  “I know that you just settled for your own wife while pining secretly for Emily.  Well, this is your chance to live happily ever after with her!”
    I peered into the kitchen.  Emily was baking something, something that smelled wonderful, while wearing only an apron.  Her long, curly hair fell softly over her shoulder as she whisked ingredients in a bowl.  She turned toward me, noticed I was looking at her, and an enthusiastic welcoming smile spread across her face.

    “This is what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?” God whispered into my ear.
    I wanted to take it.  Damn!  Did I ever want it!  But once again, I shook my head.
    God seemed puzzled.  “You need to make a decision,” He told me.
    “But I haven’t seen Pride yet,” I responded.
    God scoffed.  “Trust me, nobody ever wants Pride,” he told me.
    “Well,” I responded, “I want to see it.”
    He was right.  Pride was boring.  It was just a row of work benches in a spartan white room.
    “I don’t get it,” I told God.
    “Yeah, nobody does,” he answered.  “That’s why nobody ever chooses it.  Doesn’t cavorting in Lust sound better than just sitting here building little trinkets for the rest of eternity?  Wouldn’t you rather gorge yourself in Gluttony, or spend the rest of eternity with Emily in Envy?”

    I considered the options again.  “I pick Pride,” I finally told Him.
    He narrowed his eyes.  “What!?  Look at it,” he ordered as he gestured to the bare white room and work benches with his hand.  There wasn’t much to look at.  “Why would you choose this for the rest of time?”
    “Because you don’t want me to pick it!” I answered.  If he was really God, he knew what a contrarian I can be.  And I knew he was hiding something, trying to pretend that Pride really didn’t exist.  Clearly, there was something special about it.
    God scowled.
    “Fine,” he finally said.  He led me over to one of the work benches.  In the center there was a black space, a blank, empty void that went on forever; it was infinite!
    “Here’s your universe,” He said.  “You’ve got seven days to get started!”
    He took his seat at the bench next me and went back to tinkering with His own universe.
    After a long pause he said “You know, it might be nice for me to finally have some company!”
"We will have a good government as long as those that govern are effected by those laws that they pass. When those that are passing the laws are no longer effected by those laws then they will no longer pass good laws."


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Re: What the H...!
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2018, 07:44:58 AM »
I have often said that if I can abide by the Big 10 as best I can, and stay away from the Big 7 as best I can, that I am doing the best I can. Wrath; however, can be useful at times.
The fact that the GOVERNMENT would even consider removing the natural right to bear arms is the very reason why the 2nd Amendment was written.